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Women’s March + My Abortion Story

Today’s post is going to be extremely different. It’s personal, raw and honest. However, I would appreciate for you to read it still.

Many recent events made me rethink a lot of my past choices but they also made me realize I had the choice. I live in what we could call a ‘rich and civilized’ country (France) where women rights exist and equality is on its way. You can often hear me complain, thinking women need more strong representatives but the truth is, I’m so lucky to even have the right to walk down the street alone.

Even though I live in Europe, Trump’s election really upset me and made me question, not only the United States, but also the World. We live in a century where we’re letting bullies, fascists and terrorists ruling our countries, deciding for us what’s wrong or right. We’re letting them reach the highest ranks without realizing it’s a mistake until it’s too late.

Women’s March

Ever since Trump’s inauguration, we already had several journalists arrested, many articles stating he will build the wall and an anti-abortion executive order signed. This last statement is the one making me write this post today. Trump reinstated pro-life policy after Women’s March and I’m pretty convinced it was just to remind everyone he was the one in charge.

This march blew my mind and I’m so thankful for the people who were there. For the celebrities, the men, and the women defending what should be a norm. I’m so thankful for these people who don’t accept bullies and white men deciding what’s good for us.

Pro-Life Policy

This part of his campaign is without a doubt what’s scaring me the most. Seeing white sixty-year-old men discussing women’s rights is making me feel nauseous. A year ago, I had to make a choice, the most difficult choice. And to be completely honest with you, this is a decision I’ve never thought I’ll have to make in my entire life.

For years and years, I’ve been glad abortion existed because of rape and unwanted pregnancies. However, I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t do it if I was ever faced with it. I told myself, I could never give up on something this important.

Women's March + My Abortion Story Step by Step in 2015 — NinetyCo

My abortion

To be as clear and honest as possible, I’m going to share some details about my life, family and romantic past and I will just ask you one thing: Respect. This has been, and still is, the most traumatic experience of my life. I respect your opinion on the matter and I understand each and everyone’s religion. However, I will not tolerate negativity and cruelness.

First Thoughts

In August 2015, I got an internship in a firm in Paris and eventually met someone, we’ll name him John. (You have to understand that even looking at a man was difficult at the time. My past relationship ended wrong, with my ex-boyfriend cheating on me.) To say I was dating John would be a lie but we did share many moments. I didn’t want a new relationship because I was afraid to get hurt again, but I did want to go out with him for a few months.

Then…I got pregnant.

The funny thing when you get pregnant is that suddenly nothing is making any sense. I’ve always wanted children, but not before having a proper career, and certainly not this young. I also wanted to have someone by my sides to help me, support me and love me. Even as I was pregnant from someone I wasn’t properly dating, abortion wasn’t an option. When I didn’t get my periods in February, I sure got scared, but I was also thrilled. They often say the maternal instinct becomes even stronger when you know you’re expecting and it’s exactly what happened. I took some pregnancy tests, I had a blood test and then, I got my first ultrasound to determine how far I was.

I could never describe into words what I felt this day. To see this little guy in my tummy, thinking ‘I did that, that’s mine’. It was honestly the best of my life. I couldn’t believe my luck. There was a human being growing inside of me. When the doctor gave me the printout I was ecstatic!

Women's March + My Abortion Story Step by Step in 2015 — NinetyCo

The disillusionment

But that’s the thing, while I was ecstatic, nobody was around me. My mum, who wants to be a grandmother, barely even looked at the printout and went into doctor mode, saying I had to take several appointments already, giving me phone numbers of professional she knew about. My stepdad was, and I quote: ‘astounded’. As for John, he immediately asked me: ‘When are you aborting? You can’t waste your life with a kid now.’ With a kid he had said, not even his, just a random child, as if he wasn’t the one who got me pregnant in the first place.

To me, pregnancy has always been a gift. To be able to carry a child, to give birth, that’s a fucking miracle. But I guess I was just the only one thinking that way.

Appointments over appointments

After that came a massive period of doubt. My mum, the person I was the closest to, kept judging me silently. John was ignoring it all, as if it was just a rough moment to get past through. We were both friends, first and foremost, and in that moment, I wish I could have had a friend. Telling me it was going to be okay, telling me he would support me, no matter my final decision. That talk never came.

For each appointment I’ve ever had, I went alone, taking a Uber several days a week for over a month. I met my family doctor, I met a gynecologist and I then met an anesthetist. My decision was made, or should I say, the decision was made for me. I like to think I’m someone strong and brave, who knows what to do even in difficult times. I wasn’t this time. I was pregnant and people judged me more because of that, than because I was going to abort.

Women's March + My Abortion Story Step by Step in 2015 — NinetyCo

The A-Day…

I got an abortion on May 23, 2015 and it was the hardest day of my life. I remember asking John if he could maybe take me to the hospital and be there, he replied: ‘It’s too far from my place. The hospital is at least two hours from home.’ I was about to get a surgery, I was about to give up on his child and he thought it was too far. He told me he could pay the taxi course if I wanted. As if giving me fifty bucks would solve the main issue. My mum eventually came, and she was there when I woke up, feeling empty, as if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

…and Today

When I look back, I don’t regret my decision. I know I couldn’t have taken care of a child and I know I could have never gave them up to adoption if I had carried them for nine months. As a child, I grew up without a father (he left my mum when I was around 3) and I promised myself I would never give the same childhood to my own kids. Today, I’m barely even speaking to John, and that’s probably why I’m partially ‘okay’ with my decision. I got left alone in such a difficult time in a woman’s life, that I can’t even imagine what it would have been to see him leave once our kid was born. I’m crying as I write this post and that’s why I want to be honest with you guys and maybe change people’s minds.

It’s not because a woman chooses abortion, that she’s happy with her choice, heartless or irresponsible. I still suffer, I’m scared of getting pregnant again and I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed I couldn’t be stronger, and work harder to carry on this pregnancy. I’m mad at myself for letting people’s opinions cloud my judgment but at the end of the day, I still have a great relationship with my mum, I don’t suffer from PTSD and I consider myself lucky.

I have trouble talking about children and I shiver every time I see ads for pregnancy tests, but it’s something I have to live with everyday. Every month when I get my periods, I’m reminded of these few months where I didn’t have them. Every time I got a headache, I’m reminded of this time I passed out in the subway because I didn’t eat enough for two.

Women who make this choice aren’t against life or against children, they just have a reason you might not know about. When looking at me, you would have never guessed. It doesn’t mean it’s not there.

This is why, seeing white old men deciding on what’s right for pregnant women is killing me. I made a choice on May 2015, a difficult choice, but at least I was able to make that choice.

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20 Comments

  • Brenda

    After seeing your Valentines Day post, I came to read this one. Your words hit me more than a blog post ever did, and I’m astounded at how brave you have been through such a traumatic, confusing and difficult experience. I feel that if I was in your position, I would have felt the same way you did and my heart goes out to you. You are so strong. Even when the people around you gave you a reason not to be. I’m so proud!! Even though I don’t know you, women should stand together!! I love your honest words and blog. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and I wish you all the best.

    Lots of love,
    -B

  • Ela

    This is such a touching story. Thank you so much for sharing, it means more to me than you will ever know.

  • Lou M.

    Thank you for being so brave and honest and sharing this story, I’m so sorry you were so alone during such a difficult time, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been

  • auna

    Such an incredibly brave story. Strength comes within us and you have a lot to share such an experience with the world. Stay strong!

    XX Auna

  • Mackenzie Dunn

    What a gorgeous post. You are so brave to share your story. I am so proud of you 🙂

  • Vanessa

    This is an amazing post,thank you for sharing your story with us. Every woman should have a choice of what happens in her own body, regardless of her motives.

    You are very brave, I wish you all the happiness in the world!
    Vanessa x

  • Hairwonderfulday

    Thank you so much for sharing this – you are very brave to write it and share with people. <3

  • yuka

    Thank you for sharing this babe. It is so inspiring to see so many women writing about their experience. I’m so sorry you felt so alone during this time, it sure would have been a lot nicer to at least have support during this difficult time. This is why it is so important to share your story, so that perhaps another woman will read our story and know that we are with her.

    http://www.prettyinleather.net

  • Lisa Linh

    Eight years ago, I was where you were but I felt completely opposite and had chosen to abort right away so I never developed an attachment. I don’t regret the decision as there would be no way I could raise a child and my ex wasn’t ready either. Thank you for sharing this story, it reminded me of my own and I am so sad that what is happening in the US, will affect me and those around us.

  • Violette

    This story is so touching… I guess that was a hard choice and that’s unfortunately what is life is about. Stay strong as you’ve been!

  • Monique | WritingMonique

    Your story is touching, and I admire you for sharing it here! <3. You are not alone in being a scared European. I am too. I feel so powerless sometimes, when I see the news and everything only seems to get worse…

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. You're an inspiration for doing so! <3!

  • bonjourchiara

    Thanks so much for sharing this so delicate and personal detail of your life. It’s true, you had the chance to choice. It was a difficult one, maybe it wasn’t entirely made by you, but this is your life and you must choose what is best for you. It’s our right, nobody should change it.
    A huge hug to you xx

  • Laura Mitbrodt

    Wow, you are seriously an incredible story! I admire you for being so brave and sharing something so personal.
    xo

  • Kaylee

    Your story gave me goosebumps and so much emotion. You’re such a strong and inspiring woman. I feel so grateful and empowered to live as a woman in this society. Thanks for sharing your story <3

  • Rach

    Wow, I can not imagine how hard all of this was. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Without a doubt this must have been difficult. Thank you for sharing your story and opening others about this heavy topic. Continue to stay strong and stay positive.

    http://www.rdsobsessions.com

  • Edye

    You’re so courageous for sharing your story <3

    Blessings,
    Edye

  • Keri

    You are such a strong and powerful woman for sharing your story. Obviously this is a delicate subject and it’s amazing your sharing on such a public forum. I seriously almost cried when Trump signed that abortion ban. Family clinics are nothing but beneficial to society and the fact that he’s taking away they funding is scary and heartbreaking. I am definitely scared for the future, but I have faith in our gender. Stay strong, girl <3

    Enclothed Cognition

  • Yasmin

    Thank you for sharing you story with us! You wrote with such honesty and I have a great admiration for you! Stay brave and know that the scars will eventually fade with time 🙂

    xo, Yasmin

    http://www.iamyasmin.ca

  • Deal Man

    I love post women story! Great choices.
    xoxo <3

  • BSBP - Be seen be popular

    Your story is so touching. You are a brave woman and I admire your strength.
    Every day someone has to deal with decisions that will change his life, because this life is. Puts you to the test.
    Thank you for sharing your story, I know that this minuts when you were writing this was the hardest because you have to remember it all once again.
    Stay strong as you have been so far <3

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